Make sure you are getting plenty of sleep, eating well and getting regular exercise and reduce stress as far as possible as these things can be very important for conception and a future healthy pregnancy. They are also key to your mental well being and general health. Spend time with your spouse and your family. Find a special way to remember and honour your baby. If you do not see any improvement in your mood after a time of grief, don’t be afraid to seek medical assistance to work on your mental health too. 

Give your body time to recover. Only you can tell when you are ready to ‘try again’. This includes both a physical readiness (is your cycle back to normal?) and an emotional readiness (are you ready to go through loss again, should it occur?). Talk to your spouse about this and decide together if you are ready. Be aware that you will be reminded each time your period starts of your loss and that you are not pregnant. This can be a very sensitive time for you. Confide in your spouse that it’s ‘that time’ and talk to him about how you feel. It’s ok to be disappointed if you are not pregnant and it’s perfectly normal to feel anxious if you are. Be gentle with yourself and ask the saints to pray for you, particularly Our Lady, St Gerard Majella and St Monica.

Sharing difficult news

It is difficult sharing the news of a loss with your children, family, friends and work. Be gentle with yourself, you do not need to tell everyone all that you have been through. At the same time, if people do not know they will carry on with life as if nothing has happened and that may be confronting for you because you probably want the world to stop and grieve with you. 

Much of this decision will come down to how far along your pregnancy was. If people knew because you were showing, then you are going to have to find the strength to do this. If you have a friend or family member who has been through a similar loss, they may be able to support you through this. You might ask your spouse to share the news on both your behalf and tell him who to tell. Many friends and family will ask if there is anything they can do to help. You may wish to prepare a list of things in preparation for sharing your news. 

Telling your children

This will be different depending on your children’s age and understanding.

• Be honest with them. If they knew you were pregnant, they should know that you no longer are.
• Let them know that they can talk to you about it and ask questions if they have any. Also explain that this topic might make you sad but that it’s ok to be sad.
• Include your living children in any memorial actions, liturgies, prayers which you do. This situation, though sad, can provide a beautiful opportunity for you to teach your children about Heaven and the hope of meeting their sibling one day.

Returning to work after loss

Most work places will offer leave for parents who have lost a child. It is not a lot of time, so if you feel that it is not enough, you may need to take sick leave or annual leave. Most importantly, you are the only ones who can say when you are ready to go back to work. For some people, this will be a short amount of time as they want to be distracted by work. For others, this will take longer. There will be triggers (see link below) which set off your grief, but that’s ok, that will happen in every aspect of your life. Try to prepare yourself for these triggers and try to find a way of composing yourself again afterwards- go to the bathroom, step outside for fresh air, take deep breaths, go for a walk, listen to a piece of music, speak to a friend, family member or colleague who will understand. The spiritual and emotional healing will take much longer than the physical healing. 

Dealing with grief

If you feel that things are not getting any better, the following organisations may be of support. Speak to your GP who may be able to refer you to a psychologist.

Specific infant or pregnancy loss organisations in Australia who may be able to assist you in your grief:

Australia Wide 

Pink elephants; 

Bears of hope; 

Red Nose Australia; 

PANDA; 

Beyond Blue; 

Stillbirth Foundation Australia; 

State by state:

South Australia

Queensland

Australian Capital Territory

Northern Territory

Victoria

Western Australia

New South Wales

Other useful links

Chaplet of Rachel’s Tears

Blessing of Parents after a Miscarriage or Stillbirth

Be aware of triggers

Thoughts on grief

Trying again