Firstly, we are deeply sorry for your loss.
Miscarriage and infant loss does not only affect women, it affects couples. You have lost something precious even if you were not physically connected to the baby like your wife was.
The following emotions are normal after a miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, stillbirth or infant loss:
• Shock
• Anger
• A sense of loss
• Feeling Isolated and lonely
• Guilt
• Feelings of failure
• Feeling helpless and frustrated
• Finding it hard to concentrate
• Losing interest in sex
• Anxiety – about your partner, your relationship or a future pregnancy
• Impatience – to get back to normal or try for another baby
• Relief – if the miscarriage was particularly drawn out or physically taxing.
Your spouse will be feeling similar feelings.
Men often feel useless because they cannot take away the physical suffering that their spouse is going through. They can also be overwhelmed or even traumatised by the events of the miscarriage- blood, clots, fetal tissue, hospitals, etc. That is ok. These things are shocking for women and they see many of them month to month. You may also feel like you cannot grieve because you have to be strong for your spouse. While being strong may help her grieve, it does not help you process and grieve. Allow yourself the time and space to grieve for your baby and the lost hopes for the future. Do not be surprised if people ask how your wife is doing but fail to ask how you are. Reach out if you are struggling, because pretending you are fine or that nothing happened will not help you to move on.
Men and women tend to deal with miscarriage differently. The important thing to remember is that you have been through this together, if you hold tight to each other, supporting each other and holding each other up. It is important to tell your spouse how you are feeling so that she knows you care about her and the baby. It is also important to listen to your spouse as she will probably want to talk about it to process what has happened. Grief can put a lot of strain on a relationship as each spouse will move forward at different stages. You may have arguments about getting back to normal, re-engaging in intercourse, ‘getting over it’, what interventions to proceed or not proceed with if necessary. You both need to be allowed to grieve at your own pace and each of you will have your good days and your bad days.
Days which may be harder than others are covered in our Triggers for Grief page.
Tips for trying again and the things to think about and consider are covered in our Trying again page.
Each time your wife bleeds from now on, she will be reminded of the loss and also that she is not pregnant. This can be a very sensitive and delicate time. Her hormones will be fluctuating and her emotions will be raw and at times, irrational. Learn her cycle and be ready for ‘that time of the month’. Be gentle with her, treat her with extra love and tenderness and acknowledge that it is disappointing.
If she gets pregnant again and sees blood, she will be terrified. Again, be gentle, reassure her that you are in this together, whatever happens and get her to a GP or gynecologist promptly to find out what is going on.
If you feel that your wife is taking a long time to grieve or you yourself are finding it hard to move on, reach out for help.
Dealing with grief
If you feel that things are not getting any better, the following organisations may be of support. Speak to your GP who may be able to refer you to a psychologist.
Specific infant or pregnancy loss organisations in Australia who may be able to assist you in your grief:
Australia Wide
Stillbirth Foundation Australia;
State by state: