Grief can trigger a huge range of difficult emotions and reactions. Grief isn’t just an
emotional response, but includes Emotional, Cognitive, Physical, Behavioural, Interpersonal
and Spiritual dimensions. Pregnancy loss is often sudden and doesn’t fall into the normally
expected order of life events (we don’t expect our children to die before us) and these
losses can be very traumatic. Often people also experience secondary losses such as the loss
of innocence and the hopeful expectation that had previously been taken for granted with a
new pregnancy. Some people may find it easier to rationalise their grief, their feelings may
be less intense, and they may move more quickly to meaning making and healing. Others
may have questions regarding their faith, and struggle to find meaning in what may seem
like a senseless experience. To experience painful and overwhelming feelings, while difficult,
is a normal and natural part of the grief process. There is much solace to be found in the
teachings of our faith and the wisdom of others who have walked this path. The following
are just some brief points of reflection on the grief experience and some words of
encouragement as you process your grief.

• Pregnancy and child loss can be profoundly humbling. We are brought abruptly face to face with the realisation that we are not in control, of our plans, of our fertility, of avoiding difficulties, and that we cannot pray away suffering. 
• We may face misunderstandings, real or perceived judgements, or feel that we are failing our own or other’s expectations of what a ‘Catholic family’ should look like. Thus, we may have to grapple with, reframe, or even discard core beliefs that we have assumed unquestioningly. 
• We may feel isolated in our communities especially alongside those naive to grief and loss or those who appear to have had smooth pregnancies. 
• Grief is deeply disruptive. Losing a child goes against the natural order of creation and affects us spiritually and physiologically. Don’t feel bad if you do not feel at peace. This is part of the process of grief. Grief is not linear but finding meaning and hope is possible and is a part of the healing process. 
• God’s permissive will is not the same as His perfect will. As St Therese of Lisieux says, “God does not permit unnecessary suffering”. However painful it is, this suffering is transformative if we can allow God’s grace to carry us and be open to the spiritual growth He wants for us. 
• Platitudes such as ‘God doesn’t give us more than we can handle’ are not helpful. We will be faced with more than we can handle because without God we can do nothing. God does not will our suffering, but He does want to draw us closer to Him and wants us to know that with His grace we can bear and unite our personal crosses to His Cross. We are reliant on Him.
• Through our children in heaven, God gives us a very personal connection with our eternal destiny, a gift of experiencing moments when the veil between earth and heaven becomes very thin, as we realise our part in cooperating with God’s creation of these eternal souls. We have given our children life. God chose us to participate in bringing more souls to eternal life. This is sacred. 
• God gives us the gift of these spiritual intercessors. If only we knew the reality of the bond that already exists with our children not here on earth with us.

“How often have I thought that I perhaps owe all the graces showered upon me to the earnest prayer of a little soul whom I shall know only in Heaven” St. Therese of Lisieux.

• When we don’t get to see and hold our child we can find ourselves questioning the meaning of this pain and loss. Suffering through child loss is not without purpose. All parents suffer, so that our children will have life. We suffer loss yet through our suffering, our children are born into eternal life.  
• Posttraumatic growth and faith. Even in secular psychology, the transformative power of suffering is recognised. Posttraumatic growth is an increasingly recognised and important therapeutic aspect of trauma healing. The two co-exist together. We don’t experience posttraumatic growth without the struggle and suffering.