Pray: This can be very hard as you wrestle with frustration and anger which is often directed towards God. Having a child is a noble intention and it seems unfair that He would deny you this. Be assured, He is with you. His love surrounds you . His love alone can satisfy your grieving heart. You do not need to have the perfect words or to say anything. He knows you, He knows your pain, He knows your intentions. Ask Our Lady to sit with you. She too knows the pain of losing her child. We have a Chaplet of Rachel which is specific to those who have lost a child. Access the prayers and the beads here.
Honour: This child was real. It is ok to acknowledge him/her and to acknowledge that he/she existed and was your child. It is ok to admit that you had hopes for his/her birth and life and to feel that these hopes have been shattered. Name him/her. Honour him/her on the day of their loss or the expected due date. Ask a priest to say a Mass for your little one and your family at the time of your loss and on the anniversary if possible.
Have a memorial service or funeral if possible (generally with a later loss). You may encounter some resistance from the hospital, stand your ground with the help of your spouse, you are entitled to say goodbye to your child in a way which demonstrates your love and devotion to him/her. You can also request the remains from the hospital if a procedure was needed. Some hospitals have a memorial garden which you can visit too if you were unable to receive the remains.
If you attend the Novus Ordo, there is a funeral rite for children lost before Baptism. We can help you access this and provide you with a Mass booklet for the service. If you attend the Extraordinary Form of the Mass, there is no such rite, however, you can request the Blessing of Parents after a Miscarriage or Stillbirth (USCCB). If you need help finding a priest who can help you in your area, please contact us at …..
Remember: Do something to remember him/her on the day of the loss or the expected due date. Have a plaque or statue made up to remember him/her. If it was a later miscarriage or still birth, create a scrapbook of images and reflections for yourself and other children to look at. When you feel it is appropriate, talk to your other children about their sibling(s) in Heaven. Pray for him/her and ask them to pray for you, their family on Earth, that you will one day meet again in Heaven.
Enrol: Enrol your baby in our prayer list and we will send out a certificate to acknowledge that a life was lost and that life meant something. Know that your baby will be remembered every day by our prayer team.
Journal/Find someone to talk to: There will be many thoughts roaming around in your head. Try not to bottle these thoughts up. If you are a more private person, journal your thoughts; the triggers you encounter; and your hopes for the future. If you feel comfortable, speak to a friend or family member about how you are doing. Know that you will have good days and bad days and that this is perfectly normal. If you want to speak to someone who understands but can’t find someone, contact us and we will try to get you in touch with someone who has travelled, or is travelling, a similar journey to you. Expressing your thoughts, aurally or in written form, can be therapeutic and reduce the temptation of your thoughts running away from you and the temptation to blame yourself, your spouse, your medical team or God for what has happened. You may never know the reason for your loss, and desperately trying to find that reason may cause you to spiral into depression.
Be grateful: It may also help to write or tell your support person something for which you are grateful. Showing gratitude allows us to focus on the blessings we have received rather than on what has been lost. This is particularly important if you have living children. Hug them, tell them how much they mean to you. Shower them with your love. This may hurt and bring tears, but that’s ok. Never forget your blessings. (link to blessings prayer).
Find a community: Infertility and pregnancy loss can be very isolating, especially in Catholic circles when your friends and family may have large families and someone always seems to be pregnant. There is often an underlying expectation that everyone will have a large family. Whether you have experienced a pregnancy loss or you are struggling with infertility, know that you are not alone. Resist the urge to isolate yourself by thinking that you are the only one struggling with this, or that others will not understand. If you can’t find anyone who understands, join our community, we are walking this journey too.
Grow in your marriage: Cling to your spouse. Share your heart with your spouse. Avoid the temptation to lock out your spouse because they are grieving differently to you. Many marriages end due to the stress caused by infertility or pregnancy loss. Share your pain, your hopes, your desires and especially share your needs. Despite the fact that your spouse is the closest person to you, he/she cannot read your mind. If there is something that he/she can do to help you through your pain and grief, then do not keep it to yourself. Ask him/her what they need also. Use this difficult time as an opportunity to grow closer to one another, rather than allowing it to become a wedge between you.
Seek Medical Assistance
After a miscarriage many people will say to you it was for the best, there may have been something wrong with the baby. This may be true, but there may be other reasons why you miscarried. It is a good idea after a miscarriage to have follow up tests to check that there are not other risk factors which you did not know about. These might include: insufficient progesterone or HCG; insulin resistance (especially if you have had gestational diabetes during a previous pregnancy); genetic anomalies; folate deficiencies; autoimmune issues; hormonal imbalances; structural anomalies; low sperm or egg counts; egg quality (especially for older women); Polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS); endometriosis. Physicians trained in NaProTechnology can help guide couples through various morally acceptable diagnostic tests and treatments. If you are not already doing so, recording each day your fertility indicators can be a useful way of seeing if everything is working normally- is there any mucus (describe it)? Were you dry? Was there any bleeding? What colour was it- red, pink, brown? How much of the day did you see the most fertile sign? Methods such as Creighton, Billings, Symptothermal can help you do this. These methods are about learning your own fertility cycle so that you can optimise or avoid conception in the future.
If there is no NaPro practitioner near you then GPs can check many of these things if you ask for it. Tests that would indicate some issue include:
- Complete Blood Count (CBC)
- Comprehensive Metabolic Panel (CMP)
- Glucose tolerance test with insulin testing
- Day 3 of cycle estradiol; progesterone; DHEA (precursor hormone) testing
- Peak day plus 7 estradiol and progesterone
- Peak +3, 5, 7, 9, 11 progesterone
- Ultrasounds of the ovaries, uterus and vagina to look for anomalies, cysts and to track follicle development
- Thyroid and liver health
- Sex Binding Hormone Globulin (SHBG)
- Vitamin D
- Vitamin B
If you have had 3 or more miscarriages, you and your husband are entitled to genetic testing to look for genetic anomalies which may be related to your miscarriages. There may be a small charge for this test. Your GP can arrange this for you. The regulations in Australia have just changed so that the miscarriages do not have to be concurrent to receive this testing.
The hospital may also run tests to see if your baby had genetic abnormalities which led to the miscarriage or stillbirth. It is entirely your decision as a parent whether these tests go ahead. Be aware that if you proceed with testing, you may not be able to obtain the remains for burial.
Post loss care
Make sure you are getting plenty of sleep, eating well and getting regular exercise and reduce stress as far as possible as these things can be very important for conception and a future healthy pregnancy. They are also key to your mental well being and general health. Spend time with your spouse and your family. If you do not see any improvement in your mood after a time of grief, don’t be afraid to seek medical assistance to work on your mental health too.
Give your body time to recover. Only you can tell when you are ready to ‘try again’. This includes both a physical readiness (is your cycle back to normal?) and an emotional readiness (are you ready to go through loss again, should it occur?). Talk to your spouse about this and decide together if you are ready. Be aware that you will be reminded each time your period starts of your loss and that you are not pregnant. This can be a very sensitive time for you. Confide in your spouse that it’s ‘that time’ and talk to him about how you feel. Be gentle with yourself and ask the saints to pray for you, particularly Our Lady, St Gerard Majella and St Monica.
Blessing of Parents after a Miscarriage or Stillbirth
Dealing with grief
If you feel that things are not getting any better, the following organisations may be of support. Speak to your GP who may be able to refer you to a psychologist.
Specific infant or pregnancy loss organisations in Australia who may be able to assist you in your grief:
Australia Wide:
Stillbirth Foundation Australia;
State by state: