It is a spiritual work of mercy to comfort the sorrowful. It can be difficult to do this with miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy because it is hidden, out of sight and the grief is for something hoped for in the future rather than something tangible. This does not make the grief any less real, in fact, it heightens it. Because it is so hidden, and so taboo and those who experience it feel utterly alone, confused, their hopes and dreams for the future dashed.. 

Firstly, reassure the person that their child was real, their grief is real and acknowledge their sadness. Rather than trying to fix them, you can’t, listen to them. So many women we heard from when starting this ministry mentioned the fact that they felt like they had noone to talk to because nobody talks about pregnancy loss, it’s just accepted as ‘something that happens’. To really care for your friend, relative, colleague, you need to remember that it happened to a actual person.

Pray

Pray for the physical healing of the mother and for the spiritual and emotional healing of both spouses. Miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy and stillbirth are not only physically demanding, they are also an emotional rollercoaster and can cause great spiritual anxiety as a couple grapples with the question ‘why did God allow this to happen?’ It also puts immense pressure on a marriage as men and women deal differently with their grief. Pray that the spouse cling to each other and to the Lord. Pray that medical practitioners may be able to discover if there are underlying conditions that may have led to the misscarriage or stillbirth and that if possible, these issues can be resolved. Offer your Mass and Rosary intentions up for those who have experienced this type of loss. Pray that the Holy Spirit will guide you on the way to best help your spouse, friend, relative, colleague.

Action

Act! Send flowers, a card, have a Mass said. All the things you would do if a child or adult had died, do. Organize for meals to be sent to the house if the couple is agreeable to this (don’t presume they are). Buy a small memento for them- a statue of Our Lady, a saint or an angel, a plant, prayer card.

Words

Words are hard to find at this time, start with, “I am sorry for your loss.” “My deepest condolences”. “Is there anything you need help with?” All those things you would do if an adult or child had died, do and say now. For this couple, the child was real, a member of their family, a cherished gift from God. Acknowledge anniversaries of loss or the due date with flowers or a text message. Let them know that you care and that you remember too.

Space and prudence

Couples who have experienced a loss may retreat into themselves for a while as part of the grieving process. Being out in the world can be hard for them, especially in worlds where they are surrounded by bumps and babies. If you yourself become pregnant, be prudent and gentle in telling them, perhaps privately or in a letter to give them time to digest the news. They will be happy for you but also sad. You needn’t feel guilty that you are pregnant. Be aware too that they may not come to a baby shower or Baptism and don’t take it personally. These events can be very distressing for those who have experienced a loss.

Speaking of prudence… What not to say

You are still young, you can always try for another.

Maybe next time…

At least your child is in heaven now.

It was for the best.

It was God’s will. This was God’s plan.

It just wasn’t meant to be.

Are you pregnant again? Are you trying yet?

There was probably something genetically wrong with the baby.

I know someone who went to Dr XYZ and had a successful pregnancy. 

I heard of a way to prevent miscarriages.

Offer it up

Don’t worry, you’ll have another one!

I’m pregnant!

Do you want to come to my baby shower?