Infertility is a heavy cross which many couples struggle with. We are sorry that your plans to have children have not come to fruition as you had hoped. In Catholic circles this cross can be made even harder to bear as we often find ourselves surrounded by large families and people who often unintentionally imply that we are not faithful enough if we don’t have any or many children. This is not the teaching of the Church. The Church teaches that there are three goods of marriage: Unity or Sacrament (sacramentum), fidelity (fides) and openness to life (proles).
Unity and Indissolubility (sacramentum)
The love of the spouses requires the unity and indissolubility of the spouses’ community of persons, which embraces their entire life: “so they are no longer two, but one flesh.” They are called to grow in their communion through mutual self-giving. This human communion is confirmed, purified, and completed by communion in Jesus Christ, given through the sacrament of Matrimony. It is deepened by lives of faith and by the Eucharist received together. In this way, the spouses reveal the love of the Trinity and the love of Christ for the Church, to each other, to their children, then to all mankind in living out this sacrament of love through mutual self gift.
Fidelity (fides)
Conjugal love requires the inviolable fidelity of the spouses. Through the sacrament, the spouses are enabled to represent Christ’s fidelity and witness to it. God loves us with irrevocable love, and married couples share in this love. By their own faithfulness they can be witnesses to God’s faithful love.
Openness to life (proles)
By its very nature the institution of marriage and married love is ordered to the procreation and education of the offspring and it is in them that it finds its crowning glory. Parents are the principal and first educators of their children. In this sense the fundamental task of marriage and family is to be at the service of life. Spouses to whom God has not granted children can nevertheless have a conjugal life full of meaning and fruitfulness. Their marriage can radiate a fruitfulness of charity, of hospitality, and of sacrifice at the service of the Church.
Openness to life is very different from saying you must have children. The unity and fidelity of the spouses is just as important as the bringing forth of children. Marriages which do not bring forth children can certainly still be considered fruitful, at the service of the Church and open to life.
How can we be open to life without children?
Family size does not determine the holiness of your marriage or the value of the gifts you have to share. ‘Couples without children or who experience infertility should be helped to recognize that there are many ways to experience a fruitfulness that… is made possible by their marriage. These couples can draw strength and consolation from uniting their wound of infertility with the Lord’s Cross’ (Us Conference of Catholic Bishops, 2021, p.31). Christ tells us in the Gospel that each of us must carry our cross. Each person’s cross is different and unique and individual crosses cannot be compared. God never leaves us to carry our cross alone, He sent His Son to show us the way and to walk with us, He gives us His grace to strengthen us.
Infertility can be a lonely cross to carry. None of the following suggestions take away the pain of infertility but are just some ways couples may live out their vocation to holiness and fruitfulness through marriage:
- Give practical support to families, singles, priests, religious in your sphere of influence to support and encourage vocations of all kinds.
- Support friends and family through prayer, babysitting, being Godparents.
- Dedicate yourself to ministries in the Church which are difficult for people who have children, i.e., music ministry, lector, St Vincent de Paul, Knights of Malta, Knights of the Southern Cross, Knights of the Holy Sepulchre, or faith education programs like RCIA, Sacramental Preparation, permanent diaconate or minor orders.
- Serving others through your professional work and other specific skills.
Be aware of triggers for your grief
In Isaiah 41:10 the Lord tells us, “Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will also help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” You are not alone, we hear and know your pain and we grieve with you and pray for you.
References
Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith. (1992). Catechism of the Catholic Church, nn 1641-1642.
US Conference of Catholic Bishops. (2021). Called to the Joy of Love: National Pastoral Framework for Marriage and Family Life Ministry. United States Conference of Catholic Bishops.