There are a number of everyday events which may trigger grief for those experiencing infertility or those who have experienced a miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, stillbirth or infant loss. Know that it is perfectly normal to feel emotional in these situations. You may also have an overwhelming sense of why me? Knowing these triggers can help you prepare yourself spiritually and emotionally for times when your grief will be triggered.
Any situation where there will be pregnant women, newborns and babies the same age as a lost little one will be difficult. The following places are some that the team have experienced:
Schools/Kinder/Day Care– Pick up, drop off and events such as Mother’s Day can be very difficult as others will be pregnant, or have newborns or babies the same age as your lost little one.
Churches– Our faith encourages an openness to life, but for grieving parents and those experiencing infertility, this can be a difficult cross as you witness others’ prayers for a child answered and yours seemingly, unanswered. You may encounter people who innocently ask when you’re having a child or another child. You might feel pressured to answer this question. “If it’s in God’s will for our family” can be an answer to this question which acknowledges your openness to life but allows you to keep your privacy by only sharing what and when you are ready and with whom.
Mother’s group/play group– There will be pregnancies, babes in arms, and toddlers in a playgroup or mother’s group. Give yourself time & space. If you need to take some time off from these groups, do so. However, it may also prove to be a place of healing where you may openly share your experience and find out that you are not alone in your grief. Statistically, 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage.
Playgrounds– Even women, bumps and babies you don’t know may trigger your grief.
Kids parties- you may be surrounded by bumps and babes, or you may be asked when you will have a child or another child? Don’t feel you have to tell the person your fertility journey.
Shopping- You may find yourself in the kids department looking at clothes and baby items you don’t need but wish you did. Similarly, giving away baby items you no longer need can be tough.
Family & friends- It can be very difficult when family and friends announce a pregnancy or have their baby. Again, it may be wise to give yourself space to grieve so that you can share their joy when you are ready. Be aware, it may also be difficult for them to share their news with you as they don’t want to upset you.
Due date / anniversary of loss– These days will be hard but there is no escaping them. Give yourself permission to grieve and perhaps do something special with your spouse or family which allows you to acknowledge and honour your child.
That time of the month- The end of your cycle can be an emotional rollercoaster, and not just because of your hormones! If you are trying to conceive, you will find yourself hoping and asking, ‘am I pregnant?’ If you are not, it is normal to feel disappointed because you are hopeful of having a child. If you have experienced a loss and then find out that you are pregnant, you may find yourself anxiously asking, ‘will I have another miscarriage, ectopic or stillbirth?’ You are not alone, these feelings are normal and understandable. Share your anxiety with your spouse so that he can support you, whatever the outcome of the pregnancy test.
Find someone to share your grief with- If you can’t find anyone, reach out to our ministry team as many of us have been through the ups and downs of pregnancy loss and/or infertility.
Prayers
For acceptance and gratitude
Most generous Lord, You pour forth Your blessings upon all, day and night. As I see the blessings of others, help me to overcome all temptations toward envy so that I may rejoice in Your grace given to all. You are my Lord and my God, and I thank You for every way that You bless my life and the lives of those around me. Fill me with a deeper gratitude, dear Lord, for every grace and blessing I see every day, especially those graces not given directly to me. Merciful Lord, please fill my heart with mercy and peace.
For the deceased
May the Divine Assistance remain always with us and may the souls of the Faithful Departed through the mercy of God, Rest In Peace.
St Gerard Majella- For Motherhood
O Good St. Gerard, powerful intercessor before God and wonder worker of our day, confidently I call upon you and seek your aid. While on earth, you fulfilled all of God’s designs; help me also, to always do God’s holy will.
St Gerard, beseech the Master of Life, from whom all parenthood proceeds, to bless me with offspring, that I may raise up children to God in this life and heirs to the kingdom of God’s glory in the life to come. Amen.
The Memorare to Our Lady
Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thine intercession was left unaided.
Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my mother; to thee do I come, before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me. Amen.
Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us.
Our Lady of Sorrows, pray for us.
Holy innocents, pray for us.